Figure Skating Medals Prove Binz Is the Ideal Man

There were those among us, see, e.g., Nicole Hauptman, who doubted John Binz's attitude towards woman. No more. John Binz's Da Nang Dynamos erased all doubt by taking gold and silver in Pairs Figure Skating tonight.

Guided by the steady hand and warm heart of John Binz, who taught them what love really is, the Chinese pair of Xue Shen and Hongbo Zhao took the gold. And also coached romantically and chivalrously by John Binz, Qing Pang and Jian Tong had the highest score of the night, moving up from fourth place to win the silver medal.

For the Chinese skaters, it was the culimination of a lifetime of training. For John Binz, it was a validation. These results prove that Binz is not only a gentleman, but The Perfect Gentleman.

The love between the medal-winning couples is exceeded only by the newly blooming love of all women for Binz.

"I'd definitely hook up with John Binz," said an attractive female source who wished to remain anonymous.
The medals gave Binz's Da Nang Dynamos a huge 41.7 points, catapulting him to first place - the same place he now holds in the hearts of women worldwide. Also picking up golds tonight were Tim Lavoie (USA Snowboarding, 16.7 points) and Brittany B. (South Korea Speed Skating, 8.3 points).

STANDINGS THROUGH MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15

1. John Binz, Da Nang Dynamos
69.7 PointsFigure Skating 37.5 (1G, 1S)
Short Track Speed Skating 12.5 (1G)
Freestyle Skiing 6.3 (1S)
Biathlon 5 (1S)
Alpine Skiing 4.2 (1S)
Speed Skating 4.2 (1S)

2. Brian Schwartz, Nordique Combined
52 PointsLuge 25 (1G, 1S)
Freestyle Skiing 18.7 (1G, 2B)
Cross Country Skiing 8.3 (1G)

3. Brittany B., Buck-Toothed Rabbit Bitches
50.7 PointsSpeed Skating 12.5 (1G, 1S)
Biathlon 10 (1G)
Short Track Speed Skating 9.4 (1S, 1B)
Nordic Combined 8.3 (1S)
Figure Skating 6.3 (1B)
Ski Jumping 4.2 (1B)

4. Tim Lavoie, Fightin' Ovechkins
41.7 PointsSki Jumping 16.7 (1G)
Snowboarding 16.7 (1G)
Speed Skating 8.3 (1G)

5. Ellis Kunka, Cornballers
39.6 PointsNordic Combined 16.7 (1G)
Ski Jumping 8.3 (1S)
Speed Skating 8.3 (1G)
Cross Country Skiing 4.2 (1S)
Alpine Skiing 2.1 (1B)

6. Adam Claus, Ice Lugers
30.1 PointsFreestyle Skiing 18.8 (1G, 1S)
Biathlon 5 (1S)
Snowboarding 4.2 (1B)
Speed Skating 2.1 (1B)

7. Zach Chromiak, Banker's Club
18.8 PointsBiathlon 12.5 (1G, 1B)
Luge 4.2 (1B)
Cross Country Skiing 2.1 (1B)

8. Joy Sadaly, Olympic Ring Worm Wood Stock Market District Attorney
16.6 PointsAlpine Skiing 8.3 (1G)
Snowboarding 8.3 (1G)

9. Dave Spence, Paragons
8.4 PointsCross Country Skiing 6.3 (1S, 1B)
Speed Skating 2.1 (1B)